Bacon and Eggs

I know what you're thinking.

Bacon and eggs are about as basic as it gets.

Well, that's what this blog is about. Anyone can use these techniques, but I would guess it will mostly help that round headed kid living on her own for the first time. So it is about basics, and then building on them. If you already know this stuff, go to the head of the class and gloat, but soon the novice will become the master too.

If you've been frying pork bacon in a pan, then you've been dealing with a lot of splattered grease on your stovetop and a frying pan full of residual fat.  Not only do you have to clean the greasy pan, you have to get rid of the leftover fat (unless you want to store it to use later as some sort of rancid, free-radical-loaded flavor enhancer, which I definitely don't recommend) by pouring it into an old soup can or some other disposable receptical that sooner or later you'll spill, making an even bigger mess. And if you pour that fat down the sink, you'll soon have the nasty task of unclogging your drain or paying a plumber to do so.

It's not a big breakthrough to cook bacon in a microwave between paper towels on a plate.  It was big news in the '70s, but most cooks still insist on the stovetop method to really cook bacon right. 

When I was a kid, I remember my mom frying up bacon, and it always smelled great.  But even though she was an amazing cook, I wouldn't eat an entire slice of bacon.  I only ate the lean part, leaving the fat on my plate or giving it to my dog Alvin.  Mom was a woman who, having been born and raised on a farm and knowing the hardships of earlier years firsthand, truly appreciated the modern conveniences. She turned me on to turkey bacon cooked in a microwave in the 1980s, and it has become a staple in our household ever since.

Turkey bacon has been processed to look like traditional bacon, with wavy white and salmon-colored stripes, but those aren't ribbons of fat. Turkey bacon has the same taste and texture throughout. For bacon purists, I guess the differences make turkey an inferior option, but to me it is better. It still has that smoked flavor, and with 50% less fat, it creates less of a mess. Instead of dealing with the leftover oil, you just throw away the paper towels and use the plate for your breakfast. Warning: the plate will be very hot when it first comes out of the microwave.

The directions for cooking turkey bacon are simple. Take two full-sized paper towels off a roll, and lay them across a microwave safe glass plate. Put 6 to 8 pieces of turkey bacon between the paper towels on the plate, with 1 or 2 pieces perpendicular to the others so that the plate is full. Cook for about a minute per piece for a low powered microwave oven, or maybe 45 seconds for a higher powered one. I've found that different packages of bacon cook at different speeds, so you need to always monitor your times based on the thickness of the bacon strips and microwave strength. Remember, you can always put it back in the microwave if it is underdone, but you can't unburn it. If you're like me, of course, you like the burned bacon too.

Why cook 6 to 8 pieces of bacon if you only eat 1 to 3 in a meal? Leftover bacon can be used for a BLTs, club sandwiches, bacon and cheese quesadillas, as garnish on a hamburger, or along with your eggs on another day. It will last a couple of days in the refrigerator, and it takes about the same amount of time to fix a full plate of bacon as a half plate.

If you think I spent a long time describing how to cook bacon in a microwave, wait until you read this riveting description of how to make buttered toast. Just kidding.

Jumping to scrambled eggs, the key to quick clean-up is in the pan. Instead of scrambling eggs in a bowl, which leaves you with a bowl that needs to be cleaned immediately to avoid the egg becoming an enamel-like coating, just break the eggs into the frying pan.

If you don't know how to crack eggs, the first batch will be messy, so you might want to practice by putting a small frying pan in the sink. Tap the egg against the edge of the pan until it cracks, then use pry open the shell without submerging your thumbs in the yoke. With practice, you can do it with one hand, and eventually one in each hand if you want to add a little flair. Always crack eggs with a trash bag nearby in which to drop your eggshells as they're emptied. Otherwise, you have to clean them up later.

But, you may ask, shouldn't the butter be melted in the pan first?

No.  Don't use butter.

When should the milk or cream be added?

Don't use those either.

Instead, use grated cheese, which you can just throw in the pan with the eggs before turning on the burner. Acording to my research, cheese is a dairy product, too. I like the Mexican Cheese blend from Costco, but grated cheddar or whatever kind you like should work fine. And need I add, don't grate the cheese yourself. This would require opening and resealing a block of cheese, getting a grater and bowl dirty, and save you all of about 2 cents per serving. Buy it pre-grated. Life is too short as it is.

You want to have about 1/3 as much cheese as eggs in the pan, but this isn't rocket science. If you put in too much or too little cheese, it still tastes pretty good, and you will soon figure out what works for you. Turn on the stove top. At this point, you can add pepper if you like, but it doesn't need salt, because the cheese has enough salt in it to flavor the eggs. You can beat the eggs a bit to get them to a relatively even consistency, but you can actually leave them for a half minute or so while you butter your toast or pour a cup of coffee before returning to stirring. At the end is when you want to keep whipping them in order to keep them from being clumpy. With the cheese rather than milk, you'll find it easier to reach a nice consistency that isn't dried out.

Put your eggs, bacon and toast on the plate you used for cooking the bacon. The plate will be hot, so if the phone rings, your eggs will stay warm. Of course, it probably would not be good form to ask your guests to eat off your plate with you, so splurge and give guests their own fresh plate.

In the end, you will be cleaning at least one less plate, one less bowl and while you still have silverware and a frying pan, you will find the frying pan much easier to clean after this breakfast than with the traditional method.

I find making more than 5 or 6 eggs at a time results in it taking a really long time to cook, so even if you have guests, break it into batches no bigger than that size. Leftover eggs aren't in the same league with leftover bacon, so only cook as much as you plan to eat at that sitting.